Listen

There is this voice.  Sometimes it's loud.  Sometimes it's quiet.  Sometimes this voice is in my head; sometimes this voice sounds its opinion from the middle of my heart.  I even find this voice in the pit of my stomach.  This voice isn't limited to my own body, either.  Sometimes I can hear it in the wind, or the trees.  The point is, the voice is everywhere and it is nowhere.
But it always brings me back to my center.

Today has been a Monday.  Mondays tend to live up to their name in being a lethargic, why can't it still be the weekend, day.  The voice won't let alone.
"Listen" it says.
My husband lost a friend over the weekend; listen.
My kids won't stop fighting; listen.
My mental and physical tanks are constantly drained; listen.

The thoughts in my head.  Being a mother requires more sacrifice than I ever imagined; listen.  Why do we wear so many hats to be so many different things in so many different ways?  Men and women go to work then come home, then they wake up and do it all over again.  Other men and women stay home and raise children to grow up, and their children will then grow to do the same thing over and over again.
What's the point?
Listen.

Listen to what?  The heart?  The head?  What if they are fighting?  Do I listen to my gut?  The conflict within concerning life and its purpose seems to ebb and flow like the wind in the trees.  Do I listen to that?
Listen.  Listen.  Listen.

Everything is so loud.  The opinions of every individual in the world sits at our fingertips; the constant need for more.  Society seems to wake up every day unsatisfied; life will never be satisfying enough.  It's hard not to listen to that.  More.
There must be more.
"I am missing something, somewhere, somehow" says society.
More.

Everything is so loud.  The wind in the trees.  It's so calm, and the trees sway as if dancing with the wind.  Ebb and flow.  Calm.  Everything is so loud; calm.  Hear it.  My youngest was screaming at lunch, my oldest sang "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" trying to help.  Screaming, and singing.  The screaming, the singing.  Ebb and flow, listen.  Like the trees with the wind, dance.
Sway.
Let life flow through you.  Let life be you.

Just listen.      

   

Begin Again

There is something to be said about experience.  There is something to be said about learning.  The simple truth of life these days is this; everything I think I know, or every realization I have made in life, tends to repeat itself in multiple, varying forms.

I read a blog post this morning about a young mother who is discovering how beautiful she is through the eyes of her 5 month old daughter.

I remember those days.  I remember when Jack was first born, then James, and watching my body change.  I remember thinking those negative thoughts (sometimes I still do) then replacing them with, "but look at what was created because of it?!"  I remember berating, then forgiving, then berating and forgiving myself time after time as I stumbled through those first parenting years. (Also something I still do)  

My thought process seems to begin again.  Over and over and over and over and over again.

There are moments of clarity in this life that cannot be described with words.  Moments where you look at yourself, and your life, and you find this absolute contentment and assurance that everything is exactly as it should be.  

Then a week later you think.  "Well.  What the #@!! happened here...."

Fact.  I am a mother.  Fact.  I have been through some "stuff."  Fact.  I have overcome that "stuff."

Fact.  Never in my life will I completely understand why, regardless of what has been overcome, the constant nature of endurance never, ever ends.

Some days I look to God and, with all the gratitude I can possibly muster in my heart, thank Him profusely for everything He gives me, and humbly admit to myself that I will never know why He feels to give so much to one so unworthy.
Some days I look to God and, with all the confusion of a mortal being, I exclaim with a broken heart all the frustration, pain, and pleading in my soul, begging Him to stop pushing me so hard in so many different ways.

Some days I am bathed in light.

Some days I am lost in darkness.

I am human.  I am weak.  I find peace and understanding with life, and then I lose it.  My life will ever begin again.  I will always learn something new, then forget the complete value of the lesson learned, and learn the same lesson in a new way on a different day.  

Today I am grateful for that; I am grateful, and frustrated, with my begin again's.    

Over, and over, and over, again.        

Why Your Life Matters

Let's open Pandora.  The box, not the music channel (though I do love using that music channel.)  The box is something that has been wrapped so deep inside my heart for so long, I simply cannot hold it in anymore.  The reason I cannot hold it in anymore?  People.  Friends.  Strangers.  Loved ones.
The box is depression; it is not a cliche.
As many may know, I suffered through depression from the end of junior high to the end of my junior year of college.  Now, as many know I am also LDS.  I wear that mantle proudly.  Recently, during General Conference, a leader of the LDS faith gave a very emotional, and very welcome, talk.  You can read it, or listen to it, here.

My only wish with that talk?  I only wish that the timing of such widespread recognition had come sooner.  A lot has happened in 10 years.  A lot has changed when it comes to the stigma of mental illness.  Physical ailments have side effects, and even the treatments of such illnesses have side effects.  Mental illnesses are no different.  One such side effect?  Suicide.
There it is.  There's Pandora.  Suicide; the way out.  The escape from the hell that no one else can contemplate.  The darkness that no one else can see.  The all consuming sadness that so many simply do not understand.
Few people truly understand how it feels to put the barrel of a gun in their mouth, then not pull the trigger.  Few people know how those thoughts of "if I just let the car stray a bit it will hit the barrier..." or "if I just take one too many pills..." come.  Or how "I won't be missed." and "It will probably be better off for everyone" never really leave the mind.  The anger.  The sadness.  Sometimes it hits suddenly, and sometimes the onset is gradual.  Sometimes the moment of "no way out" is fleeting, and other times it refuses to recede from the forefront of the mind.
Without divulging identities, I will simply say that many, and by many I mean MANY, close friends are suffering through this darkness.  One such friend called me Monday night.  All that needed to be said was, "I am not in a good place right now."  This friend is amazing, though said friend does not truly believe such.  This friend is beginning to re-learn who s/he is.  This friend is trying very hard to clear out the mud of life, and focus on the heart.  This friend is my friend, and I love this friend more than s/he could ever truly know.

With that said, I will point out that just as physical illnesses come in many forms, so do mental.  I do not pretend to understand them all, nor do I claim that what helped me will help everyone.  But for me, I do know how I finally stepped out of the darkness and into the light.  I accepted myself.  I stopped listening to all the voices both inside, and outside, my heart and mind.  As I explained this to my friend on Monday night, the following was then said, "So I guess I need to accept my life, and be at peace with where I am."  No.  You need to be at peace with who you are.  If you are at peace with who you are, when life turns sour, then you will find the strength to fight your way through hard times.
You will find reasons to be grateful for what you have, and where you are when you discover yourself.
You need to grab the gifts, the weaknesses, the strengths, the heartaches, the trials, and triumphs, and accept them all.  Do not fight against them, and do not let anyone tell you you need to be one way, or another.  Accept your feelings, and accept yourself.  Then?  Look up.

My mother taught me a very important lesson, and though it took me a while to truly grasp the concept of that lesson, I do think I have come to understanding with it.  "You listen to God, and your heart, and nothing else.  Don't you dare let the world try to tell you who you need, or needn't, be.  God, and you.  You and God.  That's all that matters."  Darkness will always find a way to beset us all differently.  For some, it comes and goes.  For others'?  It stays indefinitely.
I have since "googled" this saying, and someone else has indeed said something similar.  However, I will forever remember the night this thought was given.  A small gift in a moment of absolute weakness; a gift forever recorded in my journal so that I may never forget.
In thy darkest hour the soul is replenished and given the strength to continue and endure.  That thought embedded itself deep within my heart.  It didn't say "the darkest" or "a darkest", it said "thy darkest."  My darkest.  Not dark, or slightly dim, or kind of hard to see through.  Darkest.  The darkest.  Thy darkest.  In thy darkest hour the soul is replenished; the soul is filled.  And then?  You endure.  You move forward.  However slow that forward motion may be, you move.

Why do you matter?  If my four year old asked me that question, I would answer "Because you do."  There doesn't need to be a reason.  There doesn't need to be an explanation.  You simply do.  You simply matter.  Never forget that.
You and God.  God and You.        

I Do; Yes

I love weddings.  I love them.  Love, love them.  Some people hate weddings.  I do not.  I do, do love them.  Why do I love them, you ask?  Because it is pure happiness.  Pure happiness, pure joy, and pure love.  Now, the most recent wedding we attended was a very special wedding.  Why was it special?  Because the gal who got married is pretty special.  She is, to say, a best friend.  She is the thick and thin type; and I thank God for that.

There are moments in life where you happen to stop.  You stop for just a tick of the clock and breathe.  You might think, "Man.  I have been missing all of this because of {insert whatever is making you miss awesome things here.}  Wedding day was one such moment.  I didn't have the boys (Any of them.  Cole was at work, and J squared were with grandma.)  As such, my day was actually quite quiet.  And?  If you are a busy person to any extent, especially a mother, you can attest to what it feels like when you suddenly do not have your hands full.

Well, wedding day was wonderful, and I will never forget it.  Especially when I had to crawl under Maddie's dress and tie a bunch of random bows....but?  That's another story.  The story I want to tell today has to do with love.  Love and people.  Life brings many things, and among those things are relationships.  Friendships.  Loved ones.  Some people that we meet are quickly, and all too easily, forgotten.  Others' tend to stay on our minds, and in our hearts, for the better part of eternity.  Personally?  I know I want to be the kind that sticks around.

As Maddie could attest to, I have made my fair share of mistakes in life.  Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most; other times we are hurt by the people we love the most.  Regardless of which side of the fence we happen to be on, time is not on our side.  How does the quote go?  "Why put off til tomorrow what you can do today?"  Wedding Day helped me remember something.  One?  Love is a beautiful thing, and without it the world would cease to go round and round.  And two?  As crazy as my little minions make me, when I am not around them I feel lost.  The life I live truly does complete me, and it is so because I decided to allow it.  So wherever you happen to be, remember to let life fill you.  Breathe it in; live off of it.  Stop looking around and saying "If only."  Instead say "It is."  It is wonderful.  It is beautiful.  When God says, here is what I want to give you, will you accept it?  Say I do; yes.  Because whatever it is, it is grand.
It is.  
        

You Need to Believe

Jack and James couldn't be more different.  Jack is a "goer," while James is a "watcher."  James will sit and do little to nothing, and be perfectly happy with it.  Jack, on the other hand, moves; all the time.  Sitting for him includes a waste of precious seconds that he could be utilizing to build another block fort, eat more food, or destroy something else within the house.  I see myself in each little man, and I see Cole in them as well.  It is in these wonderful gifts of parenthood that I have moments of weakness.  Such weakness includes my own vices of impatience and frustration, as well as weak knees and watery eyes when Jack kisses James, or James grabs my hand and squeezes it.  I find myself to be a tough, mushy mama.
I am a walking contradiction, it is true.

Children are capable of the same contradictions.  They are adorable.  They are annoying.  They go from being the cute lovable Gizmo in Gremlins, to the Gremlins themselves.  Walking contradictions.
Adorably annoying, lovable gremlins.
Enter the lesson from this week...
This past week Jack has decided to not sleep.  By not sleep I mean fight bedtime, and wake up intermittently throughout the night.  By waking up at 3, and 4, and 5 he then wakes up James.  Jack will go back to sleep, then James will wake up.  Then James falls to sleep and Jack wakes up.  And?  So the cycle continues.  The cycle continues, and mom needs an insane asylum for the sole purpose of passing out surrounded by nothing but white walls and absolute silence.  To say that this mom is exhausted, both mentally and physically, would be a gross understatement.
Enter this morning.

This morning I decided to take matters into my own hands, and make Jack sleep.  (I can hear you laughing already, "Yeah, make him sleep.  How'd that work out for you?)  Hmm.  Answer.  Not well.  I crawled into bed with Jack so he wouldn't wake up James.  He is a wiggler, and proceeded to wiggle.  And wiggle.  And wiggle.  "Jack, please hold still."  Wiggle.  "Jack, please don't kick my legs."  Wiggle.  "Jack..." I then took both his arms and folded them with mine, then wrapped his legs up in my legs, thus entirely immobilizing him.
He yelled at me, and began with the "I needs" to get me to let go.  "I need to go,"  "I need bear," "I need to go potty."  Anything to get me to release him.  Anything at all.  I finally said, "Buddy?  I will let go if you will hold still.  He said "Yes."  So I let him go.
After a few moments of wonderful quiet, he turned around in his bed and faced me.  I opened my eyes and looked at him.  He just stared at me for a minute, something he doesn't ever do.  What came out of his mouth next would have knocked me off of my feet had I been standing.  He said, "Mom, you need to believe."  I wasn't sure if I had heard what I thought I heard.  I said, "What?"
Jack repeated, "You need to believe.  You need to believe in me."

Enter all wisdom I thought I had compiled over the course my life, and adulthood.  Everything I thought I had learned, and mastered.  Everything I believe in, and try to hold true to.  How often did life teach me to seek the best in others, and thus the best in myself, then to trust that belief?  To trust in myself as much as I believe in God, and to take the goodness He gives and give it to others?  Even if that other happens to be a 3 year old little boy who has been the cause of my insomnia.  Every day I wake up wondering how I am going to teach my children.  I wonder how I can help them grow, and learn to be ready to face an ever changing world of uncertainty.  Can I arm them with what they will need to fight?  Can I give them what they will need?  Can I teach them?
I have obviously been asking the wrong questions, and Jack reminded me of that this morning.

As parents, and simply as beings on earth, we constantly wonder what we need to do to bring about the best end.  This is a good thing.  But sometimes we get so caught up in the control of where our lives need to lead that we forget where we are going.  In our quest to teach, we often forget to learn.  This morning reminded me that though I now hold the honorary title of mother, I do not know everything.  I never will.  It is in this humbling reality that I thank God for sleepless nights, and endless weeks of routine.
Lessons surround us every day.  It is a consistent reality check from heaven on high that in a quest to become our best self, we need to believe.  We need to believe as much in ourselves as we do in those around us, and thus believe in life itself.
As much as we think we know, God will always find a way to teach.  To teach and humble even those who think themselves learned.
And in this case?  It literally came from the mouths of babes.      

Move Your Feet

Well this week has been nothing short of crazy.  A mostly good crazy, mind you.  The week began with a notion to sell my old Honda.  This notion has been bouncing around in my brain for awhile now, but I never did much about it.  This time, though, I posted a few pictures on KSL and listed Taz (yes, I name my cars) for sale.  (Forgive the picture quality, my phone is ancient in technology years.)

It sold fast.  Very fast.  Much faster than I had anticipated, and as that wonderful car of mine drove away, I felt sad inside.  Silly, I know it, but I felt like some little part of me was driving away with that car.  Memories, really, and lots of them.  Now, for the purpose of this post, the only reason I have a picture of my car and its backside is for the license plate.
I was reminded of the meaning of that license plate this morning.

Last night was one of those nights.  And?  So was the night before.  And the night before, and the night before.  Sleep.  Oh.  Where did you go?  The mornings are the worst.  James usually wakes up around 4, and will usually go back to sleep by about 5:30.  Well, he did just that this morning, but he was also up most of the night.  For whatever reason, I always sleep the deepest in the morning hours.  This morning was no different.  I had been asleep for one hour when it was time for my other little man to be up.  Like clockwork, he came out of his room and crawled into my bed, waking me up.  Then James woke up, which is not usual. Jack said, "Oh!  Mom!  James is crying, get him!"  Enter groggy, annoyed, still halfway in dream state, angry bear mom.  I felt a little boil inside as my head was screaming, "NOOOOOO, I just want to sleep.  Please, go away, and let me sleep."  No such luck.  I had a 3 year old, and a 1 month old who both needed my undivided attention, and at the same time.

For a brief moment I pleaded in my heart up to the heavens that they would magically fall asleep.  If only I had a genie, yeah?  Again, no such luck.  Well, the tears came without warning.  I just started crying.  I thought, no.  Not today.  I can't do it today.  I need a minute.  More than a minute.  I need a few hours.  Me time.  I need me time, please, not today.  Then something happened.  That oh so wonderful voice inside my heart said, "Just move your feet, and I will do the rest."  Enter angry bear mamma wishing for hibernation.  Just move my feet?  Seriously?!  The notion of even moving a finger let alone my feet was astronomically impossible.  And?  At 7 this morning with almost no sleep, I didn't want to move anything.
"Just move your feet, Jess, and I will do the rest."
I looked at my ceiling, and thus to the sky.
Then, I moved my feet.

The rest of the morning followed as each morning does.  Breakfast for both boys, breakfast for myself, playing with Jack, and getting James to sleep.  Nothing special happened.  At least, nothing special to outside eyes who might view my daily routine.  What those outside eyes do not see, however, are the inner struggles that tend to bog a weary body down.  God knows what He did for me today, and as simple as it was, I owe him a great deal for it.

And so it is, no?  The license plate on my car came flooding to memory this morning.  KPNKPNN.  Keep on keepin' on.  Endurance, as big a word as it is, doesn't always entail a gigantic step towards a greater goal.  Endurance is often something smaller.  Something more intimate.  Endurance comes with those little, bitty steps we make each morning.  Those brave moments we take to breathe in, then out, and move another foot forward.  No matter the hardship we face, and however small it may seem to outside eyes, sometimes just moving our feet will help us reach whatever peace we need.
Sometimes the simplest steps are the hardest ones to take.
So take my lesson from this morning.  Just get up.  Move your feet.
And KPNKPNN.

10 Year Moment

Well hello blog.  It's been awhile since you and I had a nice chat.  The last entry we posted was about Jack and the beginnings of "the potty."  He is doing great now.  The great go potty on my own little man that he is. Other updates?  They are few.  James (the literal baby-waiting-to-enter-the-world-sitting-on-every-nerve-in-the-lower-half-of-my-body-thus-making-me-walk-like-a-duck child that he is) has not made his debut yet.  Cole is ready for him.  Jack is ready for him; as am I.  Or so I think I am.  Mostly?  Yes.  Mostly.

Life is life.  I was thinking about the date today.  Yes, September 11.  Most people can pinpoint exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news.  Me?  I was in my early morning geography class when my volleyball coach walked in and asked Mrs. Carper (the geography teacher), "Can I borrow your T.V.?  I want to watch the news about the towers."  Towers?  What towers?
The remainder of that day is a blur.  Every classroom had it on the radio, or on a T.V.  I was in the 9th grade.  14.  14?  How does a 14 year old comprehend stuff like that?  Now, at 25, I still don't know that I fully understand.  One thing I do know?
I did not see myself pregnant with my second child 11 years down the road.

Nope.  I was playing Jr. High volleyball with few cares in the world.  I had notions of where I wanted my life to go, and what I wanted out of it within the next, like, year?  A drivers license.  From there?  I don't remember, maybe a car?  I did think a lot about college, and what I wanted to "be."  I wanted to be a surgeon.  I wanted to help people, heck, I wanted to save people!  Medical Jess.  So yes, I made some goals.  But honestly?  I flew by the seat of my pants a lot.  Follow the wind, and your heart and end up exactly where you want to be, right?  Mostly?  Yes.  Mostly :)

I don't care who you are.  Everyone at some point in their life looks at the life they are living and says, "and I got here, how?"  We might ask it in general as a point of direction in wandering thoughts.  Or?  We might ask it in anger, or frustration.  We may say it with a very deep sense of humility, and gratitude.  We may think it aloud or in our hearts.  Regardless of how the question arises, it eventually does.  The biggest question about the question though is where we go from there?  I got here, how?  So, now what?

Life is life, no?  For me?  I am still in those pants, flying my way about with a little hope, a little planning, and a lot of faith.  One thing I do know?  My heart has never led me astray.  10 years ago I had dreams; I had plans.  I still have dreams, but sometimes?  Well, sometimes it is good to know that my mind doesn't always take full control of my life.  Sometimes it is comforting to remember that I listened to the deepest part of my inner self, and followed it.  Because truly?  Ten years ago I could have listened only to logic, and today I would likely be at some hospital in an operating room.  Not a bad thing, mind you, but not for me.  For ten years ago me?  Perhaps.  But for today's me?  No....
Instead I get to be with the man of my dreams, a beautiful 3 year old boy that is more like me than I care to admit, and another little man to fill my soul on the way.
Yes.  The heart was right.  And?  It usually is.
Sometimes we just need a little more courage to listen to it.