Today I have no wisdom, in fact, I have few thoughts. I feel very drained. Drained and numb to a degree that I have not felt in a while. Or I guess not not felt in awhile since by definition numbness is without feeling. This week, like last week and the week before, Cole is working up north while I stay here at the apartment. Here, with Jack, and all of our moving boxes and bins. Moving is exhausting, and that is all I have to say. In truth, I am numb because I am choosing to be numb. I hate goodbyes, as previous posts would attest to. I don't handle them well; at all. Because I don't handle them well, some people might think I am cold, or I don't care. This is very far from the truth. The truth is if I were to allow the dam that holds all of my emotions and feelings at bay to break, I might break. Change is a wonderful, beautiful, and adventurous thing. Life, likewise, is much the same.
Change is a constant in life as life is ever changing, and so the cycle continues.
A very dear friend of mine once said, "If you hold too much to the past, or wish the present remained always, when your future comes you will be blind to its beauty." We live life, and we go about each day doing the best that we can. We come to love people, and to be loved in return. We come to trust people, and thus become a trustworthy person ourselves. I, as I am sure many do, get comfortable. I get comfortable with my zone, with my people and my little trust circles. Then, as the past has shown, when my future comes knocking I hide in the bathroom. I pray for the future, I want it to come, but the second it arrives on my doorstep I want it to go away and come back another time. It's not so much moving on, and forward that I hate. I love looking forward to the future; moving forward for the future. It's what gets left behind; it's who I leave behind. I do. I hate goodbyes.
Maybe one day I will be better at the tearful I love you's, we'll keep in touch always, don't forget to write or call moments. Maybe not. Maybe I will always have little holes in my heart when I am not in the presence of those that I love, and care about. Maybe not. All I know is that life is very precious. Moments are very precious. I learned long ago not to dwell on regrets. Have I shown how much I truly cherish every friendship I have ever come to have? No. Do I take time out of my "busy schedule" to say I love you to every single person that I love? Also. No. I just hope they somehow know; that somehow they will always know.
Well, here I am, sitting on a moving box, thinking of all the past "don't forget to call and write" moments I have had, and typing this. Typing what I can't ever seem to fully express. I hope you know who you are. If you are reading this you are likely one such individual; someone that holds a part of me. I hope you know that I love you, and even if I am horrible at showing it, or saying it, I hope you know. I hope you will always know, regardless of what change happens to come through life, I hope you will always know.
And? Don't forget to call, and write.
Or email. Let's be honest, who write's letters anymore?
