So this is a dirty laundry post. You know, the kind where you have one of those guilt ridden days because you did something you weren't so proud of? Yeah. Dirty laundry day.
Allow me to set the scene for you. This morning, Cole's alarm went off (5:30 am). It does this every morning, except on weekends, and it almost always pulls me out of a very deep, dreamy sleep. Well, Jack gets up at 6, so there's not much me time in the morning. I try to pull my bed-headed self together so I can function in the role of mother, but sometimes it just doesn't work.
Some mornings I feel like breaking things.
Flash forward to 8 am, time for Jack to go to school. The morning went well, considering. Breakfast was alright, I didn't look too homeless walking out the door (I actually brushed my hair) and James resembled something of a well taken care of child. We get to the school, and Jack informs me that his water bottle is in the lunch room. My response? Go get it.
"But mom, class is starting, you go get it!"
No.
Some little button got pushed. Something happened. Something broke. I may have heard the snap, I don't really know. The next thing I knew, I had Jack thrown over my shoulder (in front of the entire school, Jack's teacher, and the principal), and I was marching his sassy little behind to the lunchroom to get the water bottle. The entire time, Jack was screaming. I felt like a she hulk; eight months pregnant, toting a 50 pound sack of solidness to the lunch room.
When I put Jack down, I said, "Go get your water bottle." He cried, and yelled that he didn't want to, and pointed to where he had left it. I just pointed in return, much like the ominous ghost from Christmas past. No words, stoic face, finger pointing in water bottle direction.
Jack flopped on the ground, and continued to throw a fit.
(PS? The #&%@ water bottle was like TEN feet away!!!)
Long story short, Jack may or may not have gotten pushed in the right direction, he may or may not have face planted in the process, and after many crocodile tears he may or may not have been late to class.
I'll neither confirm nor deny what happened.
The point is, he is 5. He is 5, and he threw a tantrum over a bottle of water.
The point is, I am 27. I am 27 and I threw a fit over my 5 year old throwing a tantrum over a bottle of water.
The point is, there is no point. Sometimes life just dazes you over, and you move forward like a hulk, with some kind of baggage thrown over your shoulder. All the while the world is staring at you thinking, "What in the world?..." Some days it really is just about surviving. Breathing, focusing on what you can focus on and hoping the rest of the day somehow works itself out.
Other days are clearer.
You can enjoy the clarity of those days.
That clarity helps you march your way through the blurry times.
You know, the ones where you throw a tantrum like a toddler then sleep it off.
We've all done it.
Well, at least I'll admit to it.
Here's to a clearer day tomorrow.
And maybe my kids will actually decide to sleep in.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
An Open Letter to God
Dear God,
I've written to you before, both physically and "mentally" if you will. I have a confession to make. I'm just a little frustrated. I'm not frustrated with life per se, and I'm not angry by any means, life is what it is, and I have come to understand in greater lengths what it means to "build your own destiny." Forge your own path, align yourself with the universe, etc etc.
We talk a lot about free will down here. I have these decisions I can make. I make them, then there are consequences, whether good or bad, and that's that. I've been taught, and I do indeed still believe, that you have a certain path you want me to follow. An intrinsic one. It's taken me quite a few years to understand the whole follow your heart phrase. "Be who you are meant to be, climb that ladder and do what you are meant to do." Or, so I hear you say sometimes.
Well, here's the deal. My heart, this thing that beats inside my chest. It is my life force, physically. Sometimes my heart leads me one way, a way I feel you pulling me, a way I feel you pushing me even, and yet? Well, there are other voices, voices that claim you are telling them something that is the opposite of what I feel. So who's right? We are, all of us, prone to weakness in almost every way possible. We are, all of us, given an inner moral compass that leads us, and guides our paths, and helps us attain this invisible potential.
I look to you in everything, and in every way. I often think to myself, how can I go wrong if I am always doing what this inner moral compass of mine is directing me to do? How indeed. You see, this world? This world so full of different religions, and black and white areas, and that ever elusive "moderate" zone? That grey area. The one everyone tells me I can't, for the sake of humanity, stay in. We cannot, period, be in the grey zone. There is good, and there is bad. Period.
We cannot hold the white, and the black.
But my heart.
The heart you gave me, the one I give to you in every way I know how.
Is there not good, and truth, and wonder in almost EVERYTHING in this life?
Why can't the grey zone exist? Why can't there be good, and truth, and wonder in everything?
Why?
Was that your idea?
I don't feel like it was. Or is. At least, that's what my heart tells me. And you're in there, aren't you? You're in there just like you are in everything else in this life. You're in the wind as it blows through the trees. You're in the sand under my feet. You are my life force.
You are in me.
You are everywhere.
So aren't you in that grey zone?
Does the God I understand hold true to the God other people feel, and hear, or see?
I'm just tired. I'm tired of all those voices telling me what, or how, or why I should believe or not believe. I understand that tools, and knowledge, are necessary. We can't understand the whole unless we have all the parts. I don't claim to have all the parts, nor do I claim to comprehend the end result. All I know is what I know, what I've learned, and how I've learned it. Others are given different paths to come to the same end as me.
Who am I to judge how they get there if they don't judge how I get there?
We are, all of us, in the grey zone in one way or another.
I don't know if there is a solution. I guess I just needed to vent to you. Maybe other people feel the same way I do, and maybe they don't. I know many on both sides. It's a difficult thing being labeled a "fence sitter." Fence sitters belong nowhere, and everywhere, all at once.
I'm coming to grips with it.
And I'll keep following that inner compass of mine, wherever it may lead.
Just stay with me, okay?
As long as I know you are in my heart, I will know that what I am doing, and who I am becoming is exactly as it should be.
Regardless of what other people think.
Love, Jess
I've written to you before, both physically and "mentally" if you will. I have a confession to make. I'm just a little frustrated. I'm not frustrated with life per se, and I'm not angry by any means, life is what it is, and I have come to understand in greater lengths what it means to "build your own destiny." Forge your own path, align yourself with the universe, etc etc.
We talk a lot about free will down here. I have these decisions I can make. I make them, then there are consequences, whether good or bad, and that's that. I've been taught, and I do indeed still believe, that you have a certain path you want me to follow. An intrinsic one. It's taken me quite a few years to understand the whole follow your heart phrase. "Be who you are meant to be, climb that ladder and do what you are meant to do." Or, so I hear you say sometimes.
Well, here's the deal. My heart, this thing that beats inside my chest. It is my life force, physically. Sometimes my heart leads me one way, a way I feel you pulling me, a way I feel you pushing me even, and yet? Well, there are other voices, voices that claim you are telling them something that is the opposite of what I feel. So who's right? We are, all of us, prone to weakness in almost every way possible. We are, all of us, given an inner moral compass that leads us, and guides our paths, and helps us attain this invisible potential.
I look to you in everything, and in every way. I often think to myself, how can I go wrong if I am always doing what this inner moral compass of mine is directing me to do? How indeed. You see, this world? This world so full of different religions, and black and white areas, and that ever elusive "moderate" zone? That grey area. The one everyone tells me I can't, for the sake of humanity, stay in. We cannot, period, be in the grey zone. There is good, and there is bad. Period.
We cannot hold the white, and the black.
But my heart.
The heart you gave me, the one I give to you in every way I know how.
Is there not good, and truth, and wonder in almost EVERYTHING in this life?
Why can't the grey zone exist? Why can't there be good, and truth, and wonder in everything?
Why?
Was that your idea?
I don't feel like it was. Or is. At least, that's what my heart tells me. And you're in there, aren't you? You're in there just like you are in everything else in this life. You're in the wind as it blows through the trees. You're in the sand under my feet. You are my life force.
You are in me.
You are everywhere.
So aren't you in that grey zone?
Does the God I understand hold true to the God other people feel, and hear, or see?
I'm just tired. I'm tired of all those voices telling me what, or how, or why I should believe or not believe. I understand that tools, and knowledge, are necessary. We can't understand the whole unless we have all the parts. I don't claim to have all the parts, nor do I claim to comprehend the end result. All I know is what I know, what I've learned, and how I've learned it. Others are given different paths to come to the same end as me.
Who am I to judge how they get there if they don't judge how I get there?
We are, all of us, in the grey zone in one way or another.
I don't know if there is a solution. I guess I just needed to vent to you. Maybe other people feel the same way I do, and maybe they don't. I know many on both sides. It's a difficult thing being labeled a "fence sitter." Fence sitters belong nowhere, and everywhere, all at once.
I'm coming to grips with it.
And I'll keep following that inner compass of mine, wherever it may lead.
Just stay with me, okay?
As long as I know you are in my heart, I will know that what I am doing, and who I am becoming is exactly as it should be.
Regardless of what other people think.
Love, Jess
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