I have been wrestling with this for the last eight months. What to say. Do I say anything? Does it matter? Why does it matter, and who does it matter to?
Those answers vary.
The biggest thing is that I never wanted to hurt anyone. I've kept silent because of this. People are hurt when they hear what I am about to say. The reasons vary, and the emotions jump from sadness, or anger, to confusion and inner conflict. The sadness and anger and confusion have their reasons. It's a cultural thing. It's a spiritual thing. Above everything, the biggest question people ask?
"Why."
The answer to that cannot be contained in one little blog post.
I guess the question I will answer is "why now?" Why now. Why now, well, because there are so many people out there that just need someone else to talk to. There are so many people out there that need to discuss things, and work things out. But they are afraid to.
Why are they afraid to?
Because there's these "camps." The sides.
Us vs them.
Us vs them.
So, here it is. I'm no longer a modern Mormon. I've left the LDS church as it stands today. I would say I'm no longer Mormon, but it's deeper than that. History would say I'm an "1830" Mormon.
Confused? We can talk about that later.
Because before you stop reading, or you move to lynch my character, please wait.
Read on.
Please.
Everyone travels a road. A road that leads them to a truth in God they desperately need in their life. Some argue that this truth is in Mormonism. Some argue it's out of it. I'm in the middle of those arguments. Mormonism has some truth; so does everything else in the world. I've heard all kinds of things about the "wheat and the tares" lately. Us vs them. According to Mormons, I'm the tare. I'm deceived, and broken. According to other religions, I'm the wheat. I'm enlightened and whole.
According to me?
According to me I will simply declare as the publican does in Luke,
"God be merciful to me, a sinner."
Why now, well because I am so tired of the us vs them. I am so tired of the "yea here" and "lo there" of what is truth. God is truth. God is light.
Now I recognize by putting this out there I am opening a door. A door for judgment, or ridicule. A door for the whispers in corners. But I've stood behind the door for too long. I need to open it. I need to live, to go outside. And with opening this door, I hope others will open their doors. I hope that by opening my heart, others will do the same. I hope that the accusations of who is this, or that, will end, and we can simply share in all our stories, and be a part of each others souls.
In the end we are all human. In the end, we are all in this together.
And in the end?
In the end God will decide who I was, and who I am.
I leave that to Him.
