Sometimes, for no real fault of our own, we find ourselves stuck in a barrel.
We look up, see the light, and think "Yeah, I can get back out, I just need to figure out how to climb."
Next, we look around. "Oh, that's right" we think. "I don't know how to climb. And, I also have nothing to climb with. And, also I can't climb a straight solid wall."
We stand at the bottom of that barrel, suddenly realizing we don't have a way out.
We look up, and remember what the light felt like on our skin, but we can't feel it. We just hold the memory of it. We can see the sun, and the blue sky, and the clouds. We also watch the seasons change, and know when the temperature rises and falls. Yet, there we are. In the barrel. A little barrel with a dirt bottom, watching life move by us, wondering what it means to actively participate in it again.
Sometimes we sit down in the barrel, and start playing with the dirt. We pick up rocks, and throw them at the sides, thinking maybe we can break through that way. Other times we just lay on the dirt, and stare upwards. Watching. Wondering. Waiting.
The hardest days are the days we face plant in the dirt. Our face buries in it, and the dirt changes from dirt to mud as it soaks up the tears we can't stop. Sometimes we understand the tears. Other times they have no meaning. Maybe something happened outside the barrel, and we can sense it, but we don't understand it. Life is happening all around us, but we are removed from it. The barrel is both our prison guard, and our protector. Sometimes we think, "Maybe it's better in the barrel."
Then we wonder if anyone realizes we are in there.
Living with any kind of mental illness is like living in a little black barrel. It's isolating. It's terrifying, and every avenue to freedom literally looks and feels like a solid, straight wall.
If you're in a barrel? Just breathe. Sometimes it takes awhile for someone to throw a rope. Sometimes, the rope is already waiting and it takes some time to see it.
Just as it takes time for eyes to adjust to the dark, so must they readjust to the light.
Try to live as much as you can in the mean time.
Even if you're just observing, you won't be in the barrel forever.
I know.
I've been there.
So when your barrel feels like the only friend you've ever known, look to your side.
I'll lay down with you in the dirt until you can see the rope.
And we will both climb out when you're ready.
