Guarded Hearts

Goodbyes suck. Perhaps I should be more tactful. Ahem. Goodbyes can be disheartening, gloomy, solemn, sullen...want more? I could write simply that, and this post would be more than self-explanatory. ....Sigh.... We all hate it, but we all say it almost every day. Goodbye. Godspeed. The words in and of themselves are positive in a sense. 'Good' entails something uplifting, and Godspeed? Well, that could actually be taken quite comically in a literal sense. (I picture a bright red mustang convertible with a man in flaming white robes cruising down the highway... sacrilegious? Perhaps. But it's pretty funny nonetheless.) Anyway, the point is that when we part with people we have come to cherish, it's hard. Saying that word is hard.

We have lived in our current apartment for 2 and a half years now. Considering the transient nature of newlywed/college/young family life, that is a relatively long time. Within the past year I finally allowed the defensive walls surrounding my heart to come down a little. I gave a few people keys to the locks. It's hard to let people get to know you; to get to know the real you. Heartache is a part of life, and because of it, we build giant vaults around our feelings to protect what we find to be extremely precious. Our heart. Our inner soul. Our being. We protect who we are in order to avoid being hurt. To avoid being left behind; to avoid giving a part of ourselves to someone we know will eventually leave.

Past experience is usually our reasoning to the careful logic related to each delicately placed brick, cementing our core, blocking potential heartache. If we don't feel, then we can't get hurt. If we can't get hurt, then we don't need to fear anything. Or do we? Personally, I regret building those giant walls. I regret putting up so many barricades, and fences. Getting to know someone isn't meant to mimic entering a war zone.

As I mentioned, this past year I finally let a few people in. A few people that I now must say goodbye to. Only recently have I realized I should have opened my heart so much sooner. I shouldn't have been so proud of my metaphorical brick laying abilities. I shouldn't have been so guarded. An entire year was wasted because I was too afraid to let go of my defenses. I was too afraid to let someone know me. Too afraid to love, and be loved, in fear the love might go wasted. Wasted or not, we should live to love, not to stand in front of a gate with one key hoping no one ever comes asking us to open it.

Our guarded hearts need to become less hard. They need to become bigger. Take the space used for all those walls, and fences, and use it to allow the heart to grow more. To be scarred once or twice (or three, four, five, six, and on and on and on). To have pieces of it taken from time to time as those you love leave. Almost always, those who take pieces of your heart leave pieces of their own behind. Build your heart instead of guarding it, and soon you will come to realize what it has taken me too long to understand. Wasted are the moments spent in fear of what may or may not be. Make the time to try what can be, and eventually you will come to know there are rarely regrets in what is and what was; only in what might have been.

Your personality is lacking...

Last night, a very good friend of mine called me "dim." (You know who you are, and you know that I love you.) Well, needless to say, I now find myself thinking, "so what happened to spontaneous cool, easy going me? " One word. Life. I got married to an amazing man, I had a crazy, all be it lovable, son and I became a stay at home mom. I didn't become lame on purpose, it just kind of came with the territory of wifey motherhood. Boring. So boring. I cook, I clean, I cook again, I clean again, I bake stuff for my neighbors so my life doesn't seem so "blah" but let's be honest, it's pretty "blah." What happened to randomly jumping in the car and driving to Moab because it's cold outside and red rock sounds warm? What happened to staying up until 1 am just because it's something that can be done? Bedtime? Oh, that's easily 10:30 pm almost every night. Those crazy college days seem so far distant now I find myself wondering if they truly existed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love who I am. I have no "issues" with said self, nor do I "dislike" my life, or think it was "so much better before." I love Cole, I LOVE Jack, and I love where we are in life. However, the randomness is definitely non existent. A randomness that I used to believe was truly essential to living a full life. It's true, I have felt something lacking. Something within. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's this tiny two bedroom apartment, maybe it's the fact that I don't push myself anymore....there are a lot of maybe's. The fact remains though; my personality is lacking. We all have these talents we don't think are just quite up to par to share with the world. Personally, I love to write, and I love the arts. I am "okay" at photography, I am a decent singer, I can "kind of" do a lot of things, but I don't feel like I am "great" at many things (as far as whether or not keeping up with a 15 month old can be considered great, I believe yes) My downfall? Time. I can never seem to find the time to do what I really want to. Or, I find the time, and I don't have the energy, or the will, to do what I want to. Sitting is sometimes a very fulfilling thing :) However fulfilling it may be though, I think it's time to stand up and start moving again.

So? What's the solution? Where's the balance? I think it's something that comes with persistence. I have to really, really, REALLY want it. I do, I need to want it, me. People may say, "hey, you are good at this, why don't you do it?" Truthfully, people can talk all they want, because unless you (or I) really want to do what everyone says we need to do, we aren't going to "do it." Do I really want to get up on a stage and sing my heart out to the world? Meh, kind of. I do enjoy singing. Do I really want to write a book that will help people? Yes. What about painting? Staying in shape? Become the best cook ever? Be crafty and creative? The list goes, and goes, and goes, and goes....and goes.....and goes...

Inner questions that need answering. The world today asks a lot of the individual. Your individual contribution to your environment is said to be what fulfills that "inner void." Service? Yeah. But more so talents. You give of what you are good at to those around you. People enjoy you, they enjoy who you are, and who you can be. They enjoy what you can do, what we can do. And believe me, no one, and I mean NO one can "do nothing." So why not share the some things you have? I think it's time to start writing again...