Your personality is lacking...

Last night, a very good friend of mine called me "dim." (You know who you are, and you know that I love you.) Well, needless to say, I now find myself thinking, "so what happened to spontaneous cool, easy going me? " One word. Life. I got married to an amazing man, I had a crazy, all be it lovable, son and I became a stay at home mom. I didn't become lame on purpose, it just kind of came with the territory of wifey motherhood. Boring. So boring. I cook, I clean, I cook again, I clean again, I bake stuff for my neighbors so my life doesn't seem so "blah" but let's be honest, it's pretty "blah." What happened to randomly jumping in the car and driving to Moab because it's cold outside and red rock sounds warm? What happened to staying up until 1 am just because it's something that can be done? Bedtime? Oh, that's easily 10:30 pm almost every night. Those crazy college days seem so far distant now I find myself wondering if they truly existed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love who I am. I have no "issues" with said self, nor do I "dislike" my life, or think it was "so much better before." I love Cole, I LOVE Jack, and I love where we are in life. However, the randomness is definitely non existent. A randomness that I used to believe was truly essential to living a full life. It's true, I have felt something lacking. Something within. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's this tiny two bedroom apartment, maybe it's the fact that I don't push myself anymore....there are a lot of maybe's. The fact remains though; my personality is lacking. We all have these talents we don't think are just quite up to par to share with the world. Personally, I love to write, and I love the arts. I am "okay" at photography, I am a decent singer, I can "kind of" do a lot of things, but I don't feel like I am "great" at many things (as far as whether or not keeping up with a 15 month old can be considered great, I believe yes) My downfall? Time. I can never seem to find the time to do what I really want to. Or, I find the time, and I don't have the energy, or the will, to do what I want to. Sitting is sometimes a very fulfilling thing :) However fulfilling it may be though, I think it's time to stand up and start moving again.

So? What's the solution? Where's the balance? I think it's something that comes with persistence. I have to really, really, REALLY want it. I do, I need to want it, me. People may say, "hey, you are good at this, why don't you do it?" Truthfully, people can talk all they want, because unless you (or I) really want to do what everyone says we need to do, we aren't going to "do it." Do I really want to get up on a stage and sing my heart out to the world? Meh, kind of. I do enjoy singing. Do I really want to write a book that will help people? Yes. What about painting? Staying in shape? Become the best cook ever? Be crafty and creative? The list goes, and goes, and goes, and goes....and goes.....and goes...

Inner questions that need answering. The world today asks a lot of the individual. Your individual contribution to your environment is said to be what fulfills that "inner void." Service? Yeah. But more so talents. You give of what you are good at to those around you. People enjoy you, they enjoy who you are, and who you can be. They enjoy what you can do, what we can do. And believe me, no one, and I mean NO one can "do nothing." So why not share the some things you have? I think it's time to start writing again...