Dear God,
I've written to you before, both physically and "mentally" if you will. I have a confession to make. I'm just a little frustrated. I'm not frustrated with life per se, and I'm not angry by any means, life is what it is, and I have come to understand in greater lengths what it means to "build your own destiny." Forge your own path, align yourself with the universe, etc etc.
We talk a lot about free will down here. I have these decisions I can make. I make them, then there are consequences, whether good or bad, and that's that. I've been taught, and I do indeed still believe, that you have a certain path you want me to follow. An intrinsic one. It's taken me quite a few years to understand the whole follow your heart phrase. "Be who you are meant to be, climb that ladder and do what you are meant to do." Or, so I hear you say sometimes.
Well, here's the deal. My heart, this thing that beats inside my chest. It is my life force, physically. Sometimes my heart leads me one way, a way I feel you pulling me, a way I feel you pushing me even, and yet? Well, there are other voices, voices that claim you are telling them something that is the opposite of what I feel. So who's right? We are, all of us, prone to weakness in almost every way possible. We are, all of us, given an inner moral compass that leads us, and guides our paths, and helps us attain this invisible potential.
I look to you in everything, and in every way. I often think to myself, how can I go wrong if I am always doing what this inner moral compass of mine is directing me to do? How indeed. You see, this world? This world so full of different religions, and black and white areas, and that ever elusive "moderate" zone? That grey area. The one everyone tells me I can't, for the sake of humanity, stay in. We cannot, period, be in the grey zone. There is good, and there is bad. Period.
We cannot hold the white, and the black.
But my heart.
The heart you gave me, the one I give to you in every way I know how.
Is there not good, and truth, and wonder in almost EVERYTHING in this life?
Why can't the grey zone exist? Why can't there be good, and truth, and wonder in everything?
Why?
Was that your idea?
I don't feel like it was. Or is. At least, that's what my heart tells me. And you're in there, aren't you? You're in there just like you are in everything else in this life. You're in the wind as it blows through the trees. You're in the sand under my feet. You are my life force.
You are in me.
You are everywhere.
So aren't you in that grey zone?
Does the God I understand hold true to the God other people feel, and hear, or see?
I'm just tired. I'm tired of all those voices telling me what, or how, or why I should believe or not believe. I understand that tools, and knowledge, are necessary. We can't understand the whole unless we have all the parts. I don't claim to have all the parts, nor do I claim to comprehend the end result. All I know is what I know, what I've learned, and how I've learned it. Others are given different paths to come to the same end as me.
Who am I to judge how they get there if they don't judge how I get there?
We are, all of us, in the grey zone in one way or another.
I don't know if there is a solution. I guess I just needed to vent to you. Maybe other people feel the same way I do, and maybe they don't. I know many on both sides. It's a difficult thing being labeled a "fence sitter." Fence sitters belong nowhere, and everywhere, all at once.
I'm coming to grips with it.
And I'll keep following that inner compass of mine, wherever it may lead.
Just stay with me, okay?
As long as I know you are in my heart, I will know that what I am doing, and who I am becoming is exactly as it should be.
Regardless of what other people think.
Love, Jess
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