The Label

Everyone has a different title.  Something they label themselves as.  Some self label with "single, and waiting for life, and maybe marriage."  Others as "married, and waiting for life, maybe kids."  Still, even more, might label themselves with "career oriented, family, life is good" or "no family, love life, job is fabulous, not waiting for anything."
I have a title.  It's called "married, life happened, waiting for who knows what."

The "who knows what" changes almost daily.  Sometimes the "waiting for" portion of the phrase gets omitted all together.  Why am I writing today?  Well, because "who knows what" became a whole lot of "what the" in the span of about two months.

But right now?  This very moment?
I just want one thing.
To be alone.

My kids all woke up rather grumpy.  One was very upset because he was hungry and isn't very good at making his own eggs yet, the other was yelling because he had to go to the bathroom so bad he couldn't get his pants off fast enough, and the third needed a diaper change.  One person.  That's me.  The one.  The ONE person to solve all three of those problems, as fast as possible, has only two hands.  So you prioritize right?  Bathroom first.  Or?  Well, pee.
Lots of pee.

The second?  Diaper.  No one likes soggy anything.  Third?  Food.  We can always wait for food, even though our "hangry" voices might say otherwise.  And that was just the first 20 minutes of the morning.  That doesn't include the following 9 hours between then and now.

To be completely honest, I shouldn't complain.
But let's just throw that out the window.

I'm TIRED!

Sometimes I can't help it.  Some days I just wasn't built for this label of mine.  The married, mom, one.  Life holds a lot of choices, and I made mine.  It's true.  But?  Heaven knows.  Some days I envy those single people.  Or those married with no kids people.  Or those job people.  I envy their routine.  I envy their ability to CHOOSE when they want to go to the bathroom, instead of holding it for 2 hours because it's impossible to do anything else BUT hold it.
Or?  Just going to the bathroom without an audience  Seriously.  Why?
Just let me pee in peace.
I envy the time they have to completely focus.  I envy that they can actually get things done in a normal time frame.  And oh.... Oh how I envy their silence.  Their ability to eat a meal when it's still warm.  Their ability to sit.  To think.  To dream and wonder.  I do.  I'll admit it.  I envy other labels.
There are days, like right now, where I would like to reach out, take someone else's label, and slap it on my own chest.

But?  Well.  Life happens.  Life happens, and sometimes we just have to wear our label proudly, like a triathlon number.  We swim, we pedal, and we run.  We think we are going to drown, we crash our bikes into trees, and we trip on rocks, but we keep going.  We keep swimming, and pedaling, and running.  Whatever life we happen to live, whatever part of the race we happen to be in, we are in it to the finish.
So we go.
Then?  Then when it's over and we are all sweaty, and covered in dirt we can throw up our hands in victory and say "We did it!"

Now for the shower.
But......
Can that one be alone at least?

The Dark Warrior

Let's talk about this.  Please.  Let's get this out there.  Open it.  Bring it up.

There are dark warriors among us.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it's someone you know.  The fight isn't as a physical illness.  We don't see social media posts about how the battle is progressing, or how they are faring on a day to day basis.
The struggle.
The internal nature of it is invisible in almost every way.

They act out; even lash out.  They act strangely and we place them on a shelf of "well, that's just the way they are."  Then tragedy strikes, and suddenly all the signs make sense.
But the pain is unbearable.

Let's talk about this.  Please.

I am a survivor of suicide.  I never talk about it.  I never bring it up.  I don't.  Why?  Because those I love can't imagine what it is they did or didn't do for me to believe my life wasn't worth it.  The truth is?  It wasn't them.  It isn't them.

It wasn't because they didn't love me, or because they weren't there.  Most of the time I didn't see it.  I couldn't see it.  And in that blindness I simply felt nothing.  To myself?  I was worthless.  I saw the pain I caused others.  I saw how they reacted to my stupid decisions.  I wanted to change, to be different than I was, but I didn't know how.  I was sad for no reason.  I can't explain it.  But there were days where simply breathing took everything I had.  There were days I fought the thoughts; the desire to escape it all lured me.  It called me.  I would cry for hours, then I wouldn't cry for days; I was a shell.  It was as though my will to live escaped with my tears.  My smiles were empty.  I was empty.  Every day the next life tempted me with its option of being pain free.  Whatever that next life held, it had to be better than where I was.
To myself?  I was a burden.  I was useless.
I was worthless.

People were there.  They were there often.  I was told all the time "you know I'm here, right?"  Yes, I knew.  But I didn't.  Why didn't I?  I can't explain it.  I knew I was loved.  I knew I had purpose, but I didn't feel it.  In fact, I often didn't feel at all.  I felt nothing so often I believed I was nothing, and in my nothingness I could just drift away and no one would notice.

I am a survivor of suicide.  I walked the line many times.  The details don't matter.  What matters is that it happened.  What matters is that I am here now.  What matters is that my next life became this life, and all my tomorrow's were directly linked to my today.  What matters is that this invisible battle requires openness.  It requires speaking.  What matters is that we say "Please help me" with words, not actions.  Then others can act to help.
We have to speak in order for others to listen.

To the Dark Warriors;
Do not be afraid to admit it.  It isn't weakness.  You are among the greatest, and the strongest.  Do not be afraid to reach for a hand to lift you when you have fallen, and seek for those hands in every way you can.  I know you feel nothing.  Empty.  But others don't feel empty about you.  They will be empty without you.  Do not let this life defeat you.  You are a warrior.  You can see in the shadows, and you have experienced the deepest secrets of the night.  Do not relent when the black begins to cave in on you.  Fight.  Fight for yourself.  Fight for your tomorrow.
Clarity will come with the dawn.  
The light.

You needn't fight alone.  You needn't be alone.  It is time to speak, Dark Warrior.  Be heard, and the night won't be as painful.  The numbness will fade.  Life will begin to fill you again.  Light will dispel the shadows.  Eventually, you will win.  Eventually, the night will be where you go to save those fighting.  They will see you, and they will know you as you know them.  As I know you.  Let me fight beside you.  Let me carry your sword when you are too weak to stand.  Let me be the night watchman when you have nothing left to give.  I know these shadows well, and I know they can be defeated.
Let your heart be calm, Dark Warrior.  Your day of sun is coming.

It's coming.