Be Best; You

Every day brings with it different frustrations.  Personally, I have made a discovery.  Nearly every frustration I have felt in the past year and 10 months tends to encompass a single word; Jack.  I never imagined that my life could be so focused on a single thing.  Every day is dedicated to him.  From the moment I wake up, to the moment he goes to bed, I am usually with him.  My life revolves around that one little word.  That one little person.  Jack.
I never knew the conditions of motherhood.  I thought I did.  Watching my mom, and other moms, one would think that an educated perspective in raising a child, and in turn being a mother, could be obtained through observation alone. 
Clearly not so.

This last weekend Cole and I ran RAGNAR.  It was fun, but I will never do it again.  A?  Anyone that pays money to run a race through the night, thus giving up sleep willingly, should be classified clinically insane.  B?  I got really tired of power bars and gatorade.  And C?  I missed Jack, and I missed him a lot.  It's funny how when you get too much of something, you want little else but to do something else.  Likewise, when you get too little of something, all you want is to do what you are getting little of.  Aka?  I was getting too little of my little man, and I wanted lots of him.  I am his mother, so I am partial to liking him, even if he is approaching the terrible two's and my patience with his tantrums runs rather thin, rather quickly.

Ragardless of his little faults, which in truth are just a part of growing up, I can't help but melt.  Last night was an example of my mushiness.  I went into his room to put him back in his bed (since he got his toddler bed, he tends to fall asleep next to the door as compared to his bed most of the time.)  Anyway, as I went to lay him back in his bed, I instead decided to sit on the little couch in his room and just hold him.  To be still, and in that stillness, hold him.  I sat in his room with him cuddled up in his blanket in my arms, and watched him sleep.  I can't tell you how many thoughts and emotions ran through my heart and mind within the span of five minutes, but I can tell you I was reminded why I wanted to be a mother so much.  Little else matters, I can tell you that.

Every day brings with it thoughts of inadequacy.  We wonder if what we are doing is right, if how we are doing it is right, and if where we are going, and who we are being, is right.  We are constantly putting ourselves in check within our own lives.  It is said that we are our own worst critic, and for better or worse, that's all too true.  We all have a calling in life.  Something we know we will be really, really fantastic at with the help of a higher power.  I forget mine a lot; too much in fact.  But last night?  Last night I was reminded of a very sincere, very humbling, and very wonderful truth.
My calling?  I am a mother, and I am a dang good one.

One day I know I will wonder where all the time went, and how I let it slip by so quickly.  One day I will watch Jack as a grown man, and wish I could hold him in his room while he slept just one more time.  Well.  That's one day.
For today?  For today I get to handle tantrums, messes, and a little boy who is discovering the world around him.  For today, I am a mother.  Tomorrow, I am a mother.  I am, and will always be, mom.
And I love it.