The box is depression; it is not a cliche.
As many may know, I suffered through depression from the end of junior high to the end of my junior year of college. Now, as many know I am also LDS. I wear that mantle proudly. Recently, during General Conference, a leader of the LDS faith gave a very emotional, and very welcome, talk. You can read it, or listen to it, here.
My only wish with that talk? I only wish that the timing of such widespread recognition had come sooner. A lot has happened in 10 years. A lot has changed when it comes to the stigma of mental illness. Physical ailments have side effects, and even the treatments of such illnesses have side effects. Mental illnesses are no different. One such side effect? Suicide.
There it is. There's Pandora. Suicide; the way out. The escape from the hell that no one else can contemplate. The darkness that no one else can see. The all consuming sadness that so many simply do not understand.Few people truly understand how it feels to put the barrel of a gun in their mouth, then not pull the trigger. Few people know how those thoughts of "if I just let the car stray a bit it will hit the barrier..." or "if I just take one too many pills..." come. Or how "I won't be missed." and "It will probably be better off for everyone" never really leave the mind. The anger. The sadness. Sometimes it hits suddenly, and sometimes the onset is gradual. Sometimes the moment of "no way out" is fleeting, and other times it refuses to recede from the forefront of the mind.
Without divulging identities, I will simply say that many, and by many I mean MANY, close friends are suffering through this darkness. One such friend called me Monday night. All that needed to be said was, "I am not in a good place right now." This friend is amazing, though said friend does not truly believe such. This friend is beginning to re-learn who s/he is. This friend is trying very hard to clear out the mud of life, and focus on the heart. This friend is my friend, and I love this friend more than s/he could ever truly know.
With that said, I will point out that just as physical illnesses come in many forms, so do mental. I do not pretend to understand them all, nor do I claim that what helped me will help everyone. But for me, I do know how I finally stepped out of the darkness and into the light. I accepted myself. I stopped listening to all the voices both inside, and outside, my heart and mind. As I explained this to my friend on Monday night, the following was then said, "So I guess I need to accept my life, and be at peace with where I am." No. You need to be at peace with who you are. If you are at peace with who you are, when life turns sour, then you will find the strength to fight your way through hard times.
You will find reasons to be grateful for what you have, and where you are when you discover yourself.
You need to grab the gifts, the weaknesses, the strengths, the heartaches, the trials, and triumphs, and accept them all. Do not fight against them, and do not let anyone tell you you need to be one way, or another. Accept your feelings, and accept yourself. Then? Look up.
My mother taught me a very important lesson, and though it took me a while to truly grasp the concept of that lesson, I do think I have come to understanding with it. "You listen to God, and your heart, and nothing else. Don't you dare let the world try to tell you who you need, or needn't, be. God, and you. You and God. That's all that matters." Darkness will always find a way to beset us all differently. For some, it comes and goes. For others'? It stays indefinitely.
I have since "googled" this saying, and someone else has indeed said something similar. However, I will forever remember the night this thought was given. A small gift in a moment of absolute weakness; a gift forever recorded in my journal so that I may never forget.
In thy darkest hour the soul is replenished and given the strength to continue and endure. That thought embedded itself deep within my heart. It didn't say "the darkest" or "a darkest", it said "thy darkest." My darkest. Not dark, or slightly dim, or kind of hard to see through. Darkest. The darkest. Thy darkest. In thy darkest hour the soul is replenished; the soul is filled. And then? You endure. You move forward. However slow that forward motion may be, you move.
Why do you matter? If my four year old asked me that question, I would answer "Because you do." There doesn't need to be a reason. There doesn't need to be an explanation. You simply do. You simply matter. Never forget that.
You and God. God and You.
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