Knowing

 I thought I knew what it meant to be a mother; a woman.  I thought I understood how to control my emotions; my thoughts.  I thought I knew that taking care of tiny people was something I would grow accustomed to, and every day I would find it a little bit easier.  I thought I knew.
I didn't know.

We all know that as humans we are repetitive little creatures.  We learn a lesson, then we forget it, then we learn again.  We all have this very unpleasant side.  A side that shows itself in uncomfortable situations.  Uncomfortable, unpleasant situations.  I do my best to control it.  But sometimes the burr is too much to handle.  Sometimes I find myself slipping.  I slip into that ugly.  I slip into the ugly part of my unpleasant self.  It's often for merely a moment, but the moment is enough to provide a stark reminder of how much I have to work on.
How much I have to grow.

It's days like today, mornings like this morning, where I find myself sitting.  I find myself sitting, rubbing my temples and thinking, "Good Heaven, it's only 930 am."  There are days like today where I envy those who have silence.  I envy the quiet  The peace.  On days like this people tell me in their age old wisdom, "Oh, but you will miss this."  No.  I won't miss this.  I will miss the tiny people, sure, but I won't miss the screaming.  I won't miss the yelling.  I won't miss the messes, the illogical debates with toddlers in a control battle, and I won't miss hearing every 5 minutes, "I'm hungry.  I need another snack."
That I do know.

What I also know, however, is what I will miss.  I will miss a lot of things, but grant me the right to complain a little, will you?  I don't know many things, I have a lot of room to grow, but I am also not naive.
Imperfect as I am, I do recognize that these hellish moments will not last.
I do recognize that time is precious, and I do my best to make the most of it.
I don't know many things, but I am aware that in my flawed self it is okay to sit here.
It is okay to breathe and look forward to the future.

I will never be done learning.  I will never be done growing.
As a woman, as a mother.
Sometimes I might think I have a handle on my life.  As soon as that happens, rest assured God will remind me of the importance in holding on.  He did just that today.  I thought I knew; I didn't know.
I am flawed; I am incomplete.
It's true.
And I am okay with that.