Just Cry

Sometimes I am just not a strong person.  Sometimes, I can't see through the fog of a bad day.  A bad week.  A bad month.  Sometimes?  Sometimes any regret I have ever had consumes my dreams.  Sometimes?  Sometimes I just want to lay down, curl up, and cry.

Have you ever found yourself in this cycle of life where you go around, and around, and around, and life changes, you even change, but a very small part of your heart just remains broken?  Just broken.  Many know my past; many even know my past mistakes.  We all have them.  We all have these regrets, these horrible decisions we wish we could just take back.  We have all hurt people, sometimes seemingly unforgivably, and we've all (usually) found ways to mend what could be mended then moved forward with hope for a brighter future.

Time has taught me something about regret.  Sometimes?  Sometimes it never leaves.  We forgive, we are forgiven, but this tiny ache tends to carry itself within that broken part of our heart without any kind of outlet.  It sneaks up without warning, and in the strangest of circumstances.  We think, "That was so long ago!  Why is it still bothering me?!"  Well, sometimes?  Sometimes it bothers you, sometimes it bothers me, to remind us that we are indeed broken.
We are broken, and that's okay.

Now, I am a spiritual person, so before you go Christian on me, trust me, I've done all that.  Also, therapy.  Don't go there either.  But I've had an epiphany tonight.  An epiphany about this regret; this ache.  It may never fully heal.  It may never go away.  When I think about the people I hurt?  Good, wonderful, people.  When I think about the things that happened?  It's emotionally, and excruciatingly, suffocating.  Sometimes, I have to stop, and sit.  Sometimes I think about picking up the phone and saying I'm sorry all over again.  But then I remember where they are in life; they've moved on.  And truthfully?  So have I.

Even with growth, the pain of the past will never fully leave.  On the road we travel, we often find ourselves looking back and wondering how we might have made the journey smoother.  Then we look forward and wonder what mountains lay ahead.  The truth of the past lies in who we've become because of it.  Have we changed?  Have we grown?  Have we removed the toxic negativity of broken dreams, shattered hearts, and unfulfilled wishes?  Where we are now matters more than where we have been, but where we have been led us to where we are now.
Don't be ashamed of it.
Don't hide from it.
Embrace it.
And remember?
When that little ache finds its way into your thoughts, and you find yourself wondering how you could have been better?
Just cry.
And be better now.
    

It's Your Soul

So we live in a new place.  It's a beautiful place.  But?  Believe it or not, I am shy.  I am.  And?  Getting to know "new moms" is akin to dating.  How should I look?  What kind of first impression am I giving?  Do I really care what they think?  Sort of.  Maybe a little.  Not a lot, but some.
Seriously.  Dating.

In fact, today when I dropped Jack off at school I had on no makeup (let's face it, that's a daily deal) and I wasn't wearing a bra.  Yup.  No bra.  No makeup.  I guess I really am a "granola cruncher."  Now I just need a Subaru.

Anyway, getting to know people has been a slow process.  I kind of hide in a little shell until you really get to know me.  I think a lot of people do it, I am sure I am not the only one.  Needless to say I guess I come off as a bit "come offish."  I have gotten to know this one really neat lady, though.  Her name is Sarah.  We've talked a few times, but nothing in depth.  She did tell me though that she is an artist.  As she was describing her art, she began to tear up, and said, "Sometimes it's hard to let yourself out there like that.  You open yourself up, and people can rip you apart."

Well, this weekend is the "art weekend" here in Moab.  I asked her today if she was going to be showing any of her art.  She replied quietly, "I don't know.  Maybe."
I responded,
"Don't be afraid of what other people think.  Just remember, it's your soul.  Not theirs."

It's your soul.  It's my soul.  As I was driving home, I thought about it more.  It's my soul, not theirs.  Like Sarah, I often get shy when it comes to any talent I feel I might have.  I also get shy about who I am.  Today for example, with this post.  I am putting it out for anyone in the world to judge.  They may hate it, they may like it, I may never know which.  But?  Shouldn't I just do it anyway?
Shouldn't I exemplify who I am inside by simply being me?  Whoever I decide that me should be on any given day?
It's my soul.  Not theirs.

We live in a world that is so annoyingly loud sometimes it becomes very difficult to hear anything other than the tantrums of others.  It is in moments like today; moments.  I see the world around me.  I really look at my own life, and I remember who I am deep down.  Sometimes I am a bra-less, make-up-less, granola cruncher that wouldn't mind sitting under waterfalls, singing along with a band of hippies.  Other days I feel more grounded as I sit with my sons and remember my pride in the role of mother, and my stay at home status.  
I am me, and I am many different variations at many different times.
And?  That's okay.

Be proud of who you are, and share it with the world around you.  You are not talent-less, nor are you required to fit any other mold than the one God created for you.  You are you.  And that?
That is a beautiful thing.
It's your soul.  Not theirs.