Just Cry

Sometimes I am just not a strong person.  Sometimes, I can't see through the fog of a bad day.  A bad week.  A bad month.  Sometimes?  Sometimes any regret I have ever had consumes my dreams.  Sometimes?  Sometimes I just want to lay down, curl up, and cry.

Have you ever found yourself in this cycle of life where you go around, and around, and around, and life changes, you even change, but a very small part of your heart just remains broken?  Just broken.  Many know my past; many even know my past mistakes.  We all have them.  We all have these regrets, these horrible decisions we wish we could just take back.  We have all hurt people, sometimes seemingly unforgivably, and we've all (usually) found ways to mend what could be mended then moved forward with hope for a brighter future.

Time has taught me something about regret.  Sometimes?  Sometimes it never leaves.  We forgive, we are forgiven, but this tiny ache tends to carry itself within that broken part of our heart without any kind of outlet.  It sneaks up without warning, and in the strangest of circumstances.  We think, "That was so long ago!  Why is it still bothering me?!"  Well, sometimes?  Sometimes it bothers you, sometimes it bothers me, to remind us that we are indeed broken.
We are broken, and that's okay.

Now, I am a spiritual person, so before you go Christian on me, trust me, I've done all that.  Also, therapy.  Don't go there either.  But I've had an epiphany tonight.  An epiphany about this regret; this ache.  It may never fully heal.  It may never go away.  When I think about the people I hurt?  Good, wonderful, people.  When I think about the things that happened?  It's emotionally, and excruciatingly, suffocating.  Sometimes, I have to stop, and sit.  Sometimes I think about picking up the phone and saying I'm sorry all over again.  But then I remember where they are in life; they've moved on.  And truthfully?  So have I.

Even with growth, the pain of the past will never fully leave.  On the road we travel, we often find ourselves looking back and wondering how we might have made the journey smoother.  Then we look forward and wonder what mountains lay ahead.  The truth of the past lies in who we've become because of it.  Have we changed?  Have we grown?  Have we removed the toxic negativity of broken dreams, shattered hearts, and unfulfilled wishes?  Where we are now matters more than where we have been, but where we have been led us to where we are now.
Don't be ashamed of it.
Don't hide from it.
Embrace it.
And remember?
When that little ache finds its way into your thoughts, and you find yourself wondering how you could have been better?
Just cry.
And be better now.