Confessions

Dear God,
I was just sitting here, at the kitchen table, thinking.  I was thinking about life in general, and the process of it.  The process of decision making, then wondering if what I think is best is also what you think is best.  I watched as my son played with his toys, then wondered if you feel the same way I do as you watch me here on earth.  I know some people don't believe in you, some are angry with you, others are searching for you, some have found you, and others cling to you.

Which am I?  Which of those people am I?  Well, most of them I suppose.  I don't question your existence anymore, though there was a time I did.  I have been angry with you because I felt it was your fault I felt the way I did at times.  I search for you a lot, and in everything.  I have found pieces of you, bits of you.  I know you are there as a whole, but I know I will spend the rest of my life discovering who you are.
Then there are days like today.  Days where I cling to you.  Days where I need you.  I couldn't tell you why, or what exactly roots these emotions I feel, I just know I need you right now.  You are God.  You are my God.  You are the Father.  You are my Father.  I need you right now.  I need you always; though I forget that at times.  Sometimes I ignore you, or I think I can figure things out on my own.  Sometimes I turn my back on you, and sometimes I let you go.  Sometimes?  Sometimes I forget about you.  Granted, you are always somewhere in my mind and heart, but you get hidden as I go about the day to day routine.

My son is talking to me right now.  Well, he doesn't really talk yet, he just kind of babbles.  I love it when he talks to me; when he babbles to me.  But I also love it when he sits with me, and we just are.  You created me, so it's only logical that you are the same.  That you love it when I babble on about my life to you, or if I just sit and think about you, and we just are.  This right now?  This is me babbling; going on and on about the seemingly trivial things I feel are important.
Things that matter, if to no one else but me.
Simply put I am scared; scared to take that step forward.  I don't know what is ahead, and every lesson in faith tells me to step forward knowing you will catch me; knowing everything will be alright.  I have faith; I know it will all work out as it should.  I know, but I wonder if what I know is enough.

Maybe I just need to sit; maybe I just need to be.  Maybe the faith that I have is enough, and who I am is enough.  I am hard on myself, it's true, but who isn't?  Reminders of assurance are good things to have, and perhaps that's what today is.  Reassurance that though I make mistakes, and I do not babble to you enough, you still love me.  You always love me....
I am just going to sit now.  I am going to sit and imagine you sitting next to me.  Nothing needs to be said; nothing needs to be done.  You are here.  You are with me, and that's all that matters.